Tears

Growing up, I remember my mom crying a lot.  Not necessarily bad or sad tears, just lots of crying. 

Every time somebody got married on All My Children...she cried. 

Every time a player was seriously injured during a Redskins game...she cried. 

Every time she heard a sweet or sad song, every time she heard about a new baby being born, and every time someone passed away - even if she only knew them through a friend of a friend of a friend's cousin's brother...she cried. 

And Lord help us every time my brother and I participated in a school play or chorus concert, or went to another high school dance, or drove a car for the first, second and fifteenth times, or participated in our respective sports...man, did she cry.

I honestly never really understood.  I "got" that she was proud of us.  I knew she loved us.  And I understood that someone getting married/having a baby/breaking their arm (and subsequently having to sit out for the rest of the season) were all semi-emotional moments.  But I just couldn't fully understand -- why did anything remotely emotional make her eyes swell up and cause her mascara to run?  (FYI - she's since discovered waterproof mascara.)

I'll tell you why.  Damn hormones.

For the love of all that is holy, hormones are ridiculous.

Perhaps I should preface this by telling you that I have never been much of a crier.  Bang the crud out of my shin and pour blood?  Ok, I'd cry.  Have my heart shattered in a million pieces by a (less than desirable) boyfriend?  Yeah, I'd cry.  Somebody passed away that was close and dear to me?  I'd definitely cry.  But otherwise my family liked to refer to me as the "hard ass".  I didn't really get emotional about things.  Case in point: my parents bought me a BRAND NEW car when I was a sophomore in college.  Did the whole surprise thing where they bought me a few silly gifts convincing me that was all I was getting, and then my mom told me she was dying to show me her rose bushes in the backyard and when I went outside, there it was -- a gorgeous, shiny new sports car with a gigantic ribbon on top.  They were POSITIVE I would cry.  Nope.  Not this hard ass.  I was thrilled and beyond excited.  But no tears. 

All this to say that I apparently was lacking in the hormone department up until about 2 years ago.

Then I got pregnant.

Pregnancy started out relatively relaxed.  No truly absurd outbursts or crying sessions.  But by about 20 weeks, I was crying and insecure about everything, stopping Todd dead in his tracks mid-dinner-making to console me.  And for about 17 more weeks after that, if I had a hormone surge, no amount of consoling could fix my need for a "good cry".  So I did a lot of random crying.

And then Nick was born.  And the crying only got worse.

Why?  I had not a clue other than I'd had a baby.  In my defense, it turns out that those tears were in fact less of the "baby blues" and more of post-partum depression.

Eventually all of those hormones evened out, I calmed down, and I was able to wrap my head around this mothering thing.

But now?  Now I can't help but think of my mom every single day.  Because the tears?  They still come...for reasons I would have NEVER shed a tear for before.

Sunday I cried watching football as they panned across Ravens player Torrey Smith's tear-stained face during the National Anthem (his brother passed away the night before, but up until Sunday I had no idea who Torrey Smith was).

Monday I cried listening to country star Lauren Alaina's new song 18 inches as she sang the words "7 pounds and 18 inches, the doctor lays that new baby's head right on her heart".

(I might've just cried typing out those lyrics.)

Tuesday I cried as I watched an old man carefully mount his bicycle in old town, shaky but confident, slowly riding it through town like I'm sure he's done a million times in the last 80+ years of his life.

And last night I cried as I recalled a conversation Todd and I recently had about bullying...knowing that all too soon Nick will be in school, and it is our job to protect him -- and it breaks my heart just thinking about anybody ever hurting him.

I cry any time I see a sorority sister announce her pregnancy or post pictures of her new baby on facebook.

I cry any time I know of a friend going through a difficult time and not being able to do anything to help console them.

I cry when I think about my grandparents and my parents getting older...knowing that I can't keep them all forever.  Wishing I could.

And I cry and I cry and I cry.  Sometimes happy tears, sometimes sad tears.  But they come.  And they come without warning.  I just can't help it.  It's these dang hormones.

So the next time you see me and think that I look like I've been crying...truth be told, I probably have.  Because most likely?  I was just watching the latest Subaru commercial.  And I guarantee if you've seen it, you've cried too. 

That is, if your hormones are out of whack like mine.