Growing Pains

I have Nick's 18 month post started, and had every intention of finishing it and posting it today (because, ya know, I'm only 2 weeks behind), but I feel like there's something else weighing heavy on my heart today that I just have to get out in writing.

I've posted before about how growing up is tough.  Aside from the jolt to your system when your old eating habits and work-out routine no longer keep your muffin top from muffining or your arms from developing that infamous flapping-in-the-breeze chicken wing effect.  And aside from the fact that your knees crack every time you stand up, causing you to limp like a pirate because hell - if we're talking ailments, we might as well discuss the constant back-pain/adult acne/bowels-that-can't-handle-spicy-food-like-they-used-to/hangovers-take-3-days-to-recover-from-now issues that constantly plague our aging bodies.  And even MORE so aside from the fact that no matter how desperately you try to win the lottery, it just ain't happenin' and your bills continue to roll in at lightening speed because who gives a shit if you just paid off your good-year bill for the new tires your SUV HAD to have, because inevitably the minute they receive the last payment it's like they send some sort of satellite signal to your dashboard causing the frickin' "check engine soon" light to pop on.

Aside from ALL that, there's the inevitable "I lost contact with some of my best friends because we both had too much to do, no time to do it in, and figured 'eh, they'll be there for me later'' syndrome.

And that's the one that sucks the most.

I remember being in middle school and struggling with the change-over of friendships that came along with dealing of awkwardness, puberty, a new found interest in boys, and those huge-ass glasses that paired just beautifully with my shiny new braces and horrendous poufy bangs (they were in style people!).  I went through a few groups of friends between 7th-10th grade.  But by the 10th grade, I'd found my solid foundation of friends.  We were a group of five and while we often varied who each of us was "besties" with within our own circle (usually from month-to-month, sometimes even week-to-week), we all always had each others backs and were for the most part, inseparable. 

But in those awkward 4 years prior to my Sophomore year, I remember often feeling left-out, getting into stupid bickering arguments with friends, and struggling to figure out who I was and where I stood in a group of other people my own age having the exact same internal battles.  I can't remember what exactly prompted it, or what minor middle-school drama moment I was experiencing at the time, but I clearly remember my mom telling me something along the lines of how one day I'd be grown up, living with my husband and my kids, and I would realize that my middle school friendships were just that - middle school friendships.  And that one day I'd have a solid foundation of friends, but as I got older, I would realize how those friendships would take a back seat to the priority of my own family.  And how important it was to hold fast to those solid friendships as they formed, because those would be the people I could count on most to be there - even in the backseat - supporting me and cheering me on from afar.

Well, I have to say, she was right.

I went off to college and continued to stay close with friends through the wonderment of AOL instant messaging, and the sheer luck that none of us ventured off across the country, keeping most of us within a few hours range of each other.  And oh how wonderful college was.  Seriously.  Best time of my life (you know, until I got married and Nick was born). 

College was not only an awesome way to figure out what I wanted to be career-wise in life, or how to perfect my keg-stand, but it was also a great place to make more friends.  And that, I did.  Not just because I joined a sorority (but boy did that help).  I had an abundance of friends in college.  Tuesday night with no early classes the next day?  I was certain to have SOMEONE I could call up to grab a beer (or 5) with.  None of my roommates available for lunch?  No worry, I'd just walk up to the Johnson Center and crash the Chi O table.  Friends were easy to find.

And some of those people became not just friends, but best friends.  True to the core, deep down "I will ALWAYS be by your side and I'll kick some asses in your honor" type friends.

But here I am, 8 years out of college, sitting in my lonely office (oh yeah, I forgot to add "having a real-world job" to the list of things that suck about growing up), and I realize that about 90% of those friends and friendships are gone. 

I have pushed my family to the fore-front of my life.  My priorities have drastically changed from perfecting my beer-bong abilities to perfecting my toddler-friendly meal making prowess's.  I'd rather wear a pair of comfy jeans or sweats than a push-up bra and a low-cut top.  If given the choice between a night out at the club full of dancing and dirty martini's, 9 times out of 10, I'd rather have a quiet night in with a good book (ok, probably more like reality TV) and a bedtime that comes LONG before midnight.  And in all honesty and truthfulness, I would choose to hang out with my husband and son over just about anyone, any day.

That is the reality of my life now.

Somewhere between picking out a wedding gown, venturing off to the Dominican Republic with my heads in the cloud, getting knocked up, and subsequently giving birth to the most amazing little boy I have ever laid eyes on, my priorities shifted.  And all of those friends I made in college started to disappear.

Let me be clear.  They did not disappear by choice, but rather by happenstance.

And it makes me sad, yes.  But it also makes me realize how different my life is from my life 10 years ago. 

I miss my friends.  With a deep-gut ache.  With the heaviest of hearts. 

But how do I salvage friendships that have been strained over time...over years of moving on in different directions?

How do I explain to someone "it's not you...it's me" -- because truthfully, I am the reason these friendships have drifted.  But after all this time, I honestly don't see how some to mend something that's so far gone.

And in some strange (possibly twisted) way, I don't really feel the need to mend them.  They were what they were, and now they are what they are.  Should they come back and develop into something more - awesome.  But if they don't?  I don't really have time to worry about it now.  My priorities are different.  And they are just that -- priorities.

One thing is for sure though.  It's a comforting feeling to know that as we grow and drift from old friends, there are always new friends to be made and found.  I am lucky to have married a man that had his own solid friendship base, and to no longer feel the need to refer to these people as "my husbands friends" but rather as "our close family friends". 

And the cherry on top is the fact that those friends that I DID make in high school?  The ones that rescued me from the hells of 7th-10th grade?  They're still there.  And they don't need a phone call a day, or an email every week.  They understand that a support system comes in many different ways.  And we respect each others ever changing ways/days/years.  But they will be the people I call when I get pregnant again.  They'll be the ones I will genuinely cry tears of joy with when they call to tell me that THEY'RE pregnant/engaged/etc.  And they'll be there to pull me out of the dark holes, trials and tribulations that are sure to come in life.  Because when you've been friends with someone for more than half your life, eventually they stop being your friends, and they become family.

I'm lucky to have such a big "family"...even if I am lacking in friends.