Sucking it up.

So, last night was a long night. Nick went down for bed around 8:30ish, as usual. And he slept soundly until about 11:30pm. Todd was working on the computer in the loft in our bedroom and I was semi watching Chopped/semi sleeping. Around 11:30ish, when Todd came down stairs to go to bed, Nick started fussing and crying. While it's probably not what is most recommended for sleep training, instead of letting him fuss himself back to sleep, we typically go in and soothe him. So as he started up last night, I said to Todd "I suppose I have to go get him?" to which Todd said "I'll get him next time".

I went into Nick's room, scooped him up, rocked him for a few minutes, and laid him back down. And he fell back asleep. For about an hour. Close to 1am, Nick started up with the fussing again. Trying to let him fuss it out, he continued and it turned into hard sobs. So I nudged sleeping Todd and asked him to go get Nick.

He went in, rocked him for a few minutes, and then laid him back down completely awake. Nick proceeded to think this was play time and began kicking and banging the crib rails. I watched and listened to all of this on the monitor, and finally had enough -- what was going on??

So I opened the bedroom door to find Todd standing in the hall, outside of Nick's door. To which I proceeded to get pissed off. I hissed "what are you doing?!" and he just as angrily whispered back to me "well apparently I'm coddling him too much because as soon as I pick him up he falls asleep on my shoulder!" So I said, "you're just going to stand here and listen to him kick the crib rails?! FORGET IT! I'LL DO IT!"

Todd went back to bed and I picked up Nick and started to rock him. Only Nick wasn't having any of it. By 2:15am, he was still wide awake. If I held him, he laid quietly in my arms, every now and then reaching up an arm to grab at my necklace. If I laid him in his crib, he screamed. And I mean SCREAMED.

Finally, out of sheer exhaustion, I'd had enough, and I brought Nick into our room to sleep in the bed with us.

Let me say, I hate doing this. It makes for terrible sleep for all of us -- especially me, because I stay in one position all night, making sure nothing is near Nick that could cover his face. And if I do fall asleep for a little bit, I wake up just as quickly in a panic making sure no blankets or pillows have fallen over my sweet baby.

But after a few minutes of cooing and grabbing at everything he could reach in the bed, we managed to squeeze in about 4 and a half hours of sleep before it was time to get up for the day. Which, of course Nick protested loudly, as he was exhausted from his middle of the night fiesta.

I know he's a baby, and I know we're going to have sleepless nights. And in the light of the morning, it's much easier for me to look back at the nights events and be grateful for this time with Nick. He won't always need me, and there will come a time when I'll long for him to cry out in the middle of the night solely because he wants to see my face - touch my hand - nuzzle his tiny face in the crook of my neck.

But in the darkness of night. When I'm up for the 3rd, 4th, and 5th time to care for him, I find myself succumbing to anger. I become furious with Todd that he gets to sleep -- even though he has just come off of a 16 hour work day, working overtime to earn extra money for our family...and even though he has to get up 2 hours earlier than we do -- I'm mad that I once again have to do night duty. I find myself wallowing in self pity. Poor me - I must be doing this wrong. Why won't he sleep? Why didn't I start sleep training him earlier? Does anybody know how tired I am? Will my boss feel bad for me if I ask for the day off to sleep?

And then, somehow, we survive another night. And I wake up feeling regret. Regret for any of the negative feelings I've felt all night. Nick is an infant. He needs love, comfort, security and trust. All of which I give to him every time he cries out for me in the night and I respond. And I feel terrible for harboring negative feelings towards my husband. He helps when he can, but it's not fair of me to demand he take turns on night duty when he has to be at work immensely earlier and longer than I.

I need to suck it up, and let it go. My sweet, beautiful baby boy is in perfect health. He's happy, strong, and growing like a weed. All of these things I should be, and am, extremely grateful for. It's time for me to put a new foot forward, and appreciate the time I am spending with my child. I am blessed with the family I have been given, and I want to make sure they know just how much I care for and love them -- with every fiber of my being. It's time to suck it up...wipe the tiredness from my eyes...and know that one day entirely too soon, I'll be missing these sleepless nights.