I took Nick over to the playground last night. It was well past his bedtime, but there was still so much daylight left and the warm weather had me feeling generous, so off we went. The playground is a stone's throw from our house. Typically I'll carry Nick over there, partially because I'm impatient and want to get there ASAP, but mostly because Nick is in a very independent stage - one in which he prefers to NOT hold our hands whilst running amok -- and while we live on a relatively private street with very minimal traffic (only local homeowners coming and going), I fear him darting into the street in front of a car.
But last night he was perfect. As soon as we stepped foot on the sidewalk, he reached up for my hand, and held it tightly the entire walk to the playground. I purposely slowed my stride and strolled at his short-legged two year old pace. We stopped to point things out in the grass and pick up sticks. Paused to wave to daddy as he worked in the backyard. A less than one minute walk to the playground took us closer to 4 minutes...and I relished in every ticking second as his sweaty, chubby little fingers squeezed my hand in excitement with every new observation and every nearing step to the playground.
When we finally arrived, a group of 5th and 6th grade boys were playing a game on the playground equipment - one that involved a lot of jumping and climbing, as well as loud shouting. Nick was beside himself and walked right into the middle of the group of boys, waving and saying "hi!". The boys were kind and said "hi!" back to him, but continued on with their game. I decided to give Nick some space, and sat back on a bench to watch him play.
But no sooner had I settled onto the bench, than my toddler came running over with a huge grin on his face. He used all of his might to climb up on the far end of the bench, then carefully balanced as he walked towards me, placing a tiny hand on each side of my face, gave me a kiss, and giggled as he fell into my lap.
As I tickled Nick and laughed with him, I listened to the older boys playing in the background -- and my eyes began to fill with tears. Because it occurred to me that at this moment in time, I am Nick's very best friend. I am his shelter. His comfort. His calm. His protector. He is not embarrassed to be seen with me - or even more so, to kiss, hug, and love on me in public. We hold hands and snuggle and giggle and he loves it just as much as I do.
A huge knot formed in my throat as I thought about how in just a few very short years, this would all change. Soon he won't need to hold my hand to walk to the playground, because there won't even be time for me to yell out "be careful!" as he's running out the door to play with his buddies. The kisses and cuddles in public will be all to embarrassing in front of his friends. And I will be replaced with a best friend his own age.
Sure, Todd and I will still be Nick's protectors. And we will always try to be his sense of calm and comfort. But it pains my heart to know that this time of pure innocence and blatant love for us is fleeting. I want to hold Nick in the palm of my hand forever. I want to relish in every hand hold and hug and kiss and giggle. A part of me wants him to never grow up.
I went to bed last night with this thought weighing heavy on my mind. I kept thinking about the little boys at the playground - wondering if their mommies were sad that they no longer held hands; were no longer looked at as their sons best friends. And I couldn't shake this sense of worry and sadness. Will I know one day when Nick is holding my hand as we walk along, that this is the last time he will willingly hold it? Will I be able to capture that memory and carry it with me forever?
And as I was putting Nick in the car this morning, I saw one of the young boys from the playground last night walking to the school bus. He was happy, smiling, chatting away. And I had to wipe away a tear of joy as I did a double-take...because the person he was happily giggling with, was his mom.
And they were holding hands.
Maybe, just maybe, I will always be Nick's favorite person. Because God knows, he will always be mine.
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