With the combination of the loss of a dear friends mother - who was a dear friend to us and "Grandma Mary" to Nick; the horrible colds and allergies Nick has been fighting including a 911 call and ambulance trip -- all of which, in turn, have caused almost a full month of sleeplessness for the whole K household; getting my period again this month when we so desperately want to have another baby; and then the horrible tragedy that occurred in Newtown, CT, my heart has been heavy and hurting. Combined with a lack of sleep, I have been grumpy and downright sad.
Sometimes it's tough to feel like you have to be strong for everyone around you. It's tough to feel as though you can't truly let out your emotions, because "hey, you're the mom - you've gotta get it together!" Then you find yourself sitting at the computer on a Monday morning, googling "Childhood apraxia of speech", crying into your coffee because you feel so helpless.
And then you remember those families who's loved ones were yanked out of their loving arms just days before what is supposed to be the happiest day of the year, and suddenly your tears turn into heavy sobs - your feelings of helplessness turn into a pit in your stomach and all you want to do is vomit, curl up in the fetal position, and sleep off this horrible nightmare. You feel guilty for having your own feelings of sadness, when your sadness is mere ounces compared to the tons of heavy hearts breaking up North. The hearts breaking across the country.
After two weeks of Nick not sleeping - crying every time we put him down in his crib, us rushing in every few minutes to try and soothe him back to sleep, him standing up and screaming every couple of hours through the night, and ultimately all three of us (four including whinnie) waking up in the master bedroom at 4am in a huge, sweaty, uncomfortable pile of people - Nicks foot in my face, his head resting on top of Todd's - we decided he was getting pretty damn smart for an almost two year old, and this had to stop. We had to resort back to the worst parental punishment of all. Crying it out.
Two nights of crying it out, and we've had two nights of restful sleep. All of us in our own beds. Nobody sweating from the abundance of flannel footie pj's and body heat crammed onto a queen size mattress. Night number one, Nick cried on and off - never more than a loud whine - for 50 minutes. After that, he realized it was a losing battle, laid down, and never made a peep the rest of the night. Last night, Nick pulled the same loud whining routine for a mere 30 minutes. He did wake up twice in the night, but both times were also loud whines, not lasting more than 5-10 minutes each.
Two nights of sleep for all of us, and I feel like a new person. Nick is acting like a new toddler. My hopelessness is being replaced with hopefulness.
While we still grieve for our dear Mary, and especially her family, I'm beginning to realize that she is no longer hurting. She no longer has to battle the terrible cancer that consumed her body. And we all have a beautiful angel watching over us. I know she will take particularly good care of Nick - oh how she loved our boy - and that brings me so much peace.
We made an appointment at the allergist for Nick, for this Friday. I'm hopeful he will be able to give us some insight on what kind of foods might be irritating Nick, without our knowledge. And I'm relieved that after three "nope - not an ear infection - he just has a cold" pediatrician appointments, it's ok for us to let Nick cry it out at night...because he's not sick...he's just smart (I cry, mom and dad rush in!).
And I've realized that God's timing is perfect timing. With Nick's sleepless December, God knew I wouldn't be able to handle first trimester sickness and midnight potty breaks with a screaming toddler across the hall. He knew we needed a little more time. So with His grace and guidance, we will keep trying. And eventually we will succeed. (Plus we've got Mary on our side...and if I know Mary, I know she'll be sending us a little extra good baby "juju". ;))
We took Nick to see Santa last night. Seeing his face light up as Santa walked in - jingle bells ringing, lights twinkling, and so much magic in the room - my holiday spirit welled up inside to a point it hasn't reached all month. Santa read his poem "Send Your Babies to Bed With a Kiss" to the mommies & daddies in the room, reminding us that while these times are tough and not always fun, all too soon our children will be grown, and we won't be able to kiss them goodnight every night -- and we will truly miss these days. My heart was so full, being able to kiss my sweet boy and push the hair back from his forehead...yet it was so heavy and hurting for the parents in CT that can no longer do such things with their little ones.
So I am consciously stopping myself from dwelling on my own sadness. I'm realizing that most of the worries that I currently carry on my shoulders are minimal and will quickly dissipate...that there is always hope and beauty in every situation. And I am turning my holiday spirit around. I am soaking in the joy in every little moment, and ignoring the "what ifs" that linger. Today and every day, I will soak in the little moments. I will embrace the tantrums, and smile as I get vomited on. I'll laugh as I accidentally stick my hand in a poopy diaper, and I'll most definitely hug and kiss my baby like it's going out of style. I'll encourage his vocabulary and cheer as he says a new word - even if it's not quite enunciated. I will excitedly anticipate the look on Nick's face as he opens Christmas present after Christmas present. And while I may be cranky at the lack of sleep, I will giggle at Nick's requests to eat cheese puffs for breakfast - and I may just let him on occasion - because tomorrow is not promised, but the memories we make today, are.
1 comment:
This is such a sweet post for all of us with heavy hearts this month. I am in your shoes in more than one of those ways. Best of luck to you in the new year. We can all use a fresh start and happiness in our lives this holiday season. Nick is so lucky to have you!
Post a Comment