Tomorrow, Nick will be 13 months old. The days, weeks, and obviously now year(s), are just flying by. It's completely bittersweet. Especially when someone asks "how's your baby doing?!" and I respond with "great! He just turned a year old!" And then I realize, he's no longer a baby, but creeping towards toddler-hood, and his second birthday, and suddenly I'm a little less anxious for him to start walking all on his own.
This morning I had a nice long conversation with my neighbor, who's oldest son is 11. She said he dropped a bomb on her the other day when they were driving down 395, and she had to pull over on the side of the highway. Apparently he had drawn a frowny face on his school agenda on February 14th - Valentine's Day. When she asked "why the sad face?" he said "what's there to be happy about? It's not like I have a girlfriend." She dropped the subject until they were on the highway a few days later, and she said "so you mentioned the other day that you didn't have a girlfriend. Is that something you would like to have?" To which he, without missing a beat, replied "I think it's time you give me permission to date." She was floored and tried to keep herself from cracking up, and doubling over in pain as her heart split in two.
As she and I talked about the full on discussion she had with her 11 year old son about dating, sex-education, and STD's (oh yes, he told her he knew all about syphilis, gonorrhea, etc.), I could see in her eyes and hear in her voice that she was incredibly proud of her son for "asking permission" to date, but that she was also sad and shocked at how quickly they got to this place. For her, it was just yesterday that they were bringing him home from the hospital...teaching him how to walk and run...watching him throw a baseball for the first time. And now? Dating girls??
So naturally I walked back into the house with my own heavy heart. Nick is only 13 months old. But those 13 months have been a fast blur...a flash of lightening. I can still remember the day we brought Nick home from the hospital -- and I'm confident that I will never forget it. It is etched onto my heart. But that doesn't change the reality that it WASN'T just yesterday. With each passing day, we get further and further from those sweet baby days. Days I can't go back and re-do or re-live. I often find myself looking at my parents and wondering "do they feel like the days just went way too fast?" I see my grandparents who formed these beautiful legacies of family - their pride beaming forth anytime we're all together - yet those years have passed all to quickly. And a lump forms in the back of my throat.
Yesterday I was enjoying a quiet (a relative term when you have a very vocal pre-toddler on your hands) dinner with my little guy. Todd was working late, and I had made a new recipe in the crock pot, so Nick and I sat down to enjoy chicken, potatoes, and broccoli together. He gleefully shoved chicken in his mouth while slamming his sippy cup on the high chair tray. As he was on his third chorus of squeals, my phone rang and it was my boss. I answered, as I always do, and shushed Nick as my boss spoke to me on the other end of the line. And as I hung up the phone, I hung my head in shame. I had shushed my child -- and for what? To be able to hear my boss, on an after hours phone call, while I was working my most important job of the day as mommy?
I immediately squished Nick's little cheeks between my hands and told him I was sorry for shushing him. I told him to squeal all he wanted to -- and that I was proud of him for doing so at his own will. I felt like a horrible mommy. I hadn't shushed him because he was being inconsiderate, or obnoxious, or rude. I shushed him for being a 13 month old child. In that moment I vowed that I would shut off the volume on my phone for the rest of the evening. As I was rocking my sweet baby to sleep, my phone buzzed and I ignored it. And you know what? Life went on. It wasn't an emergency. Because the only thing that mattered at that moment was that my son knew he was the center of my world - that he was loved - that he was cared for.
The days are flying by faster than I can control. One day I find myself wishing it were already summertime, so we could be headed on vacation. I have to remind myself that it's only a few short months away - but by the time vacation rolls around, Nick will once again be an entirely different little person. He'll most likely be walking (hell, running!), talking some, and all around acting more like a child than a baby. And time is fleeting. I can't wish away these days and sweet moments we have right now. Because before I know it, we'll be driving to his middle school, and he'll be asking me permission to date girls. And I am SERIOUSLY unprepared for that conversation.
2 comments:
I loved this blog entry for so many reasons. I loved that sense of pride a mommy bird has when she sees her babies as she pushes them out of the nest and they fly on their own for the first time. I love the love in your home.
I do have to follow up...though...as you were not "shushing" your child. You were being a parent...instinctively. Do not apologize for "teaching" him the difference between right and wrong. It IS wrong at any age for him to make noise while you are on the phone. Sadly, our lives depend on that income so we CAN make joyful sounds in our beautiful homes while sharing delicious meals with our children. Turn off the phone during dinner...have your family values and rules, but always remember that a child needs to be parented...with love but also firmness...to teach him how to grow up to be a beautiful person with manners. His middle school teachers will thank you one day rather than talking about what an awful parent Nick has for not being able to teach their child from home and be a real parent. Remember when dad and I wouldnt let you and Matt do stuff the other kids got to do? Our reasons were tough to explain at the time!
You are doing an amazing job and I love watching you and Todd learn...no book on parenting can truly explain that THIS is the toughest job of all...and I am so proud of you for instinctively being a parent...no need to apologize...just let him know you love him when you do it. I love you!
Momma knows best!
Post a Comment