Happy First Birthday, Baby Boy!

Dear Nicholas Matthew,

Today is your first birthday.  A whole year of your life - complete.  A whole year of my and your daddy's lives fulfilled.  As I sit here composing this letter to you, my eyes brim with tears, and it's hard to see what I'm typing - but it's not hard to get it out, because I'm not writing this as I go -- not making it up -- no, this is being written from memory.  Memory within my heart.

I remember the day you were born as though it were yesterday.  Your daddy and I waited in that hospital room all day, hoping you would be motivated by the massive drip of pitocin I was receiving, to make an appearance on your own.  But alas, you had already inherited your daddy's laid back attitude, and combined with your mama's stubbornness, you decided the only way you were leaving the warm comfort of my belly, was if somebody came in there and got you.

So, after a full day (over 10 hours!) of waiting in a hospital bed, it was decided that you would be born via cesarean section.  And so, we suited up and headed to the OR.

I was terrified and anxious.  I couldn't wait to meet you, but having shared such a special bond with you for 9 months - one that nobody could feel but us - I was worried I wouldn't know what to do with an "outside" baby.  Not to mention the thought of having my stomach cut open scared the crap out of me.  But the team of doctors - and specifically Dr. T - made sure everything moved along without a hitch.  And on February 2nd , 2011 at 11:28pm, you were brought into this world -- 6lbs, 10oz, 19.5 inches of perfection.  And OH that blond hair, and those huge blue eyes!  All of the doctors and nurses in the operating room exclaimed how beautiful you were.  Daddy took pictures of the whole ordeal.  He was so proud.  I was so proud.  We were so in love with you.  We were finally a family.

We took you home from the hospital on SuperBowl Sunday.  Hopeful to make it home in time to watch the game, Gramma and Boss went to our house, picking up Whinnie and a pizza on the way, to wait for our arrival.  But wouldn't you know it, your little body - so teeny at 3 weeks early - was jaundiced, and needed a little extra TLC on the photo-therapy light bed.  So daddy and I waited as you suntanned for a few hours, and finally around 11pm on SuperBowl Sunday, we were discharged from the hospital.  I'm sure daddy could tell you, but I have no clue who won the game.

The minute we walked in our front door, I crumbled.  Mommyhood was so new to me, so terrifying, that I instantly began to cry.  And continued to cry on and off for the next three weeks -- something I couldn't control.  All of these new emotions were flooding my heart and my mind.  I constantly worried about you - were you cold, hot, hungry, wet, tired, angry, sad...would you be ok in your crib for 5 minutes if I went to the next room, or worse, if I went to sleep for an hour or two.  You were so tiny that we were under strict orders from the doctor to wake you up to eat every 2-3 hours.  We were all zombies that first month...none of us really getting much sleep.

But somewhere in the midst of sleeplessness, tears, and endless amounts of cuddling, we became a team. We figured each other out, and started growing together -- you, growing in size and skill; me, growing in love and patience; us, learning from each other.

And while this may have been a trying year, learning how to soothe you to sleep - and help you to sleep through the night -- learning your cries, your signals, your sounds, your gestures - there isn't a single second of a single day that I would trade any of it for all the riches in the world.  Every sleepless night, every tear shed, every "debate" your daddy and I had about parenting,  every stinky diaper, every shirt ruined by spit up, every cuddle, every kiss, every smile, every time your little hand wrapped around my finger...those are the things that are of the most value in my life.  Those are the things that keep me going.  They are worth everything -- and more.

Now every day is spent watching you transform from a baby to a toddler.  You grow and change so quickly, that if we blink for a second, we risk missing a new milestone.  You are within inches of walking -- you just need to find that confidence within, letting you know that even if you aren't holding mommy or daddy's hands, we are standing right behind you -- we won't let you fall. 

You babble constantly, and often sound as though you're making up your own songs.  You say the same word (while still indecipherable) when you see Whinnie, and oh how your little face lights up when she's near!  You clap when we ask you to, and you lean in to give kisses every.single.time we ask - no matter who you're kissing -- you don't discriminate!  You feed yourself with your fingers, and are thisclose to using a fork and spoon on your own.  You have a very short attention span, and move from one item to the next with vigor.  You giggle uncontrollably when somebody pops up from behind the furniture to "scare" you.  You cover your own eyes and wait for us to say "where's Nick?!" before quickly removing your hands and grinning from ear to ear when we respond "oh, there you are!" 

You sleep through the night now, and play silently on your own in your crib if you wake up.  We're not entirely sure where this new behavior has come from, but we're chalking it up to you considering yourself a "big boy" now.  And let me tell you, this is the best gift you could have given us.  If you're anything like your mommy & daddy, you'll love to sleep.

Your strawberry blond hair now curls around your ears and the nape of your neck -- getting curlier when you're hot or sweaty...something that happens a lot for an active one year old boy!  Your blue eyes deepen every time I look in them, and your dimples can make anyone melt in a second.  I used to think I'd miss your gummy baby smile, but now that you have a mouthful of teeth, I can't think of anything cuter than your gap-toothed grin.  You're outgrowing your clothes faster than I can put them on you, and I fear we're going to have a hefty grocery bill when you enter your teen years one day, because boy can you pack away the food!

As I reflect on the first year of your life, and the first year of my life as a parent, I can only think of one thing in life that is more rewarding than being a mommy -- and that's being YOUR mommy.  You truly are the greatest gift from God...the completer of my heart...the soother of my soul.  It's entirely impossible for me to pour all of my emotions and love for you into a written letter, but I hope you'll always know just how much joy you bring to your parents - your grandparents - your uncles - your great aunts and uncles - your great grandparents - and every person you meet.  And I hope you'll always know just how much you are wanted, you are needed, you are loved. 

Thank you for making me the best version of myself that I have ever been -- your mommy.

I love you to the moon, back, and beyond.

Love always,
Mommy